Thursday, 7 July 2016

"What do you want for your birthday, Mom?"

IZ: Mom, your birthday is coming, what present do you want?
Me: I want a birthday hug, kiss from you..
IZ: somemore?
Me: a birthday card you make
IZ: somemore?
Me: I want you to be healthy and happy
IZ: is that all?
Me: ya, that's all
IZ: then I'll remind you to give me vitamins when Ah Nah is off
Me: what has my birthday to do with your vitamins?
IZ: so that you remember to give me vitamins then I can be healthy!

Monday, 4 July 2016

IZ & us deal with loss of beloved Ah Ma..

At the hospital, I realised we had to quickly inform IZ of what was happening, despite he was still blur, waking up at 5am. So we told him Ah Ma died, and asked if he would like to take a look at Ah Ma. He said yes.

From then, I was expecting him to cry. He didn't tear.. not at all.

My heart ache a lot. I'm not sure if it's "acceptable" for him not to cry at all. I don't know if he's being strong or he's being unemotional. He did say he's sad, he missed Ah Ma, but while both of us cried our hearts out, he seems unfazed.

For the 5 days of wake, he frequently walked up to Ah Ma altar and casket, talked to her and prayed.

There was no fear.. but there was no tear either..


On the day of funeral, when we placed rose on her casket and spoke our last words (in our hearts):

IZ: wo ai ni ah ma (translated as "I love you, Ah Ma")

And there I broke down.. once again.


Exactly 1 week from Ah Ma's passing:

IZ: I wish Ah Ma could live until 89yo (she was 86)
Me: you wish Ah Ma could live until 89?
IZ: yes, I wish she could see me go to primary school and celebrate birthday with me
Me: I wish she could live longer too, but you see, she was feeling very uncomfortable already, with the tube feed and all, so, it's a good thing she left, she's no longer suffering
IZ: what is suffering?
Me: no longer feeling uncomfortable

Coming home from the 1st day of school, he called out to Ah Ma upon reaching home.  I broke down  over the phone when Ah Nah told me that.


9 days after Ah Ma's passing, we just got home.

IZ: hello daddy, hello mommy (hugged daddy)
IZ: are you still feeling sad, daddy?
Dad: yes, I am still feeling sad
IZ: me too, I still remember Ah Ma
Me: yes, we should always remember Ah Ma, we shall not forget her

In the bed at night.

IZ: Daddy, when you feel sad, your nose and face are red
IZ: I feel sad too
Dad: it's ok to feel sad and it's ok to cry, you know
IZ: I know
IZ: but is it ok to cry when I get punished?


10 days after Ah Ma's passing, on a phone conversation:

Me: how was school today?
IZ: awesome, Yuhan is back in school
Me: so you're happy that Yuhan is back?
IZ: i'm unhappy (I thought to myself.. there you go again, about how you don't want to go to school..)
Me: you're unhappy
IZ: ya, I'm unhappy coz Ah Ma passed away
Me: me too, I'm unhappy too

Totally broke my heart..

He's right. It feels like we have lost the ability to be happy. I'm sulking the whole day for the past 10 days, although occasionally I smile and laugh. It's like Ah Ma's passing took away all our happiness.

I know she wouldn't want us to be unhappy... maybe time can really heal..


Updated on 5th Oct'16 (slightly more than 100 days of passing)

IZ was in the middle of his violin lesson when he suddenly came to me in the kitchen, crying. I thought the teacher scolded him till it was unbearable.

"I missed Ah Ma" he sobbed.

After lesson, he said "I missed the happy times with Ah Ma".

That's right my boy, proud of you. We will always miss her. Not a day passed without me thinking of her too.